Monday, February 10, 2014

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse...I mean...Valentine's Day.


Well, it's February and you know what that means.... for basically an entire month you will be assaulted with hearts and love and all things warm and fuzzy and ooey-gooey. Many are rejoicing in the opportunity to have an extra special date night with their extra special sweetheart. Unless of course you're part of the unmarried/significant-otherless/ non-relationship club, in which case, welcome to Hell. 

The next couple weeks are going to be awful. I will not make promises I can't keep or provide you with false hope...it's not going to be pretty, or easy for that matter. Whether you're single by choice or by chance, the first couple weeks in February are going to be like a scene from The Walking Dead when all the zombies are trying to break through the fence of the compound and the surviving humans are doing their best to reinforce the walls and hide inside for safety. 

Much like a zombie apocalypse, Valentine's Day is going to be hard to survive, unless of course you have the necessary skills. I am well versed in the art of surviving this wretched day, so consider me your Rick Grimes in this situation. 


Generously, I have provided you with a few rules to follow to ensure you're still alive February 15th.

 RULE #1: DON'T GO OUTSIDE.

Seriously it's dangerous out there. Lovebirds flood the streets en masse, like bats out of Hell. They're attracted to darkness and will be eagerly searching out their next meal. So STAY INSIDE, keep the lights low and wait for the sunrise.

RULE #2: BE PREPARED. 

Don't make the rookie mistake of not getting take-out on the way home or grocery shopping the night before. You need sustenance and mass amounts of chocolate and Diet Coke, so stock up! You don't know how long you're gonna be hiding out; once the sun sets, you're gonna be stuck inside for hours. 

RULE #3: KEEP YOUR NUMBERS SMALL.

You can't save everybody. Your best chance at survival is to keep your numbers small and limited to people you trust. And beware: I don't care if they were your best friend the day before, once they've caught the virus, they are no longer themselves. One night a year they turn into lovesick undead and terrorize the streets with their happiness. It's an ugly sight. It's best to be cautious and follow the rules above with just a couple of your closest uninfected friends.

RULE #4: DON'T WATCH CHICK FLICKS

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you engage in watching anything romantic; no dramas, no romantic comedies, and for the love of everything, don't you dare put in anything Jane Austen or any season of Downton Abbey. (Nothing attracts the lovesick more than a Jane Austen adaption!) If you want to survive the night, stick to the Horror genre. The gorier the better. They're attracted to love, they can smell it a mile away, so keep it out of your safe-house and off your TV!

RULE #5: WEAPONS- HAVE THEM.

I've survived a lot of Valentine's Days before, so listen to my advice very carefully. Your best weapon and armor against the infected is animosity and hostility. For one night only, allow yourself these negative feelings. Repugnance, resentment, detestation- all of these are excellent weapons against the viral infection. Think of them as your kryptonite; not only do they repel the airborne pathogens but they keep the lovesick ones from picking up on your scent and keep you basically undetected. 

Good luck my uninfected friends, I wish you the best on this day of reckoning. PLEASE remember the survival guide above and be safe. The worst thing you can do is underestimate the situation. Keep your wits about you and make sure all your doors and windows are locked. You'll thank me when you're alive to party on St. Patty's. 

 

2 comments:

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  2. You are hilarious and in need of a hug!

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