Monday, November 18, 2013


I was really disappointed last night but it gave me some good fuel for the fire, if you know what I mean. You know that moment when you feel like the world is finally right and in a second you realize that it’s not, and it might never be? That sort of disappointment which feels like you’re free falling off a building and the whole time you’re just thinking how much you knew better. That moment when you thought someone really saw you for who you are or that life finally made sense or that moment when you think you've finally found "it" out...and then you realized you've been deceived and that you haven't actually got a clue. 

But what the fall brings is closure.  I’m actually kind of happy to really be done. I feel better, I feel like I can breathe again and I feel more in control and less vulnerable, which feels great. And now I’m free to just be, even if that means I'm alone, which for the first time doesn’t scare me anymore or make me sad. Because I think I deserve more and you know what? I’m not settling anymore. I will not define my happiness based on a relationship or on expectations others' have for me. My happiness should be based solely on loving who I am, having integrity and being proud of what I do in my life and within my family. Everything else is out of my control and honestly, isn’t a guarantee anyways.

It was definitely the push I needed. It doesn’t make the fall any easier or less painful. You’ve crafted what your life could be like in your head, you’ve built it (whatever your "it" is) up in your mind into an almost perfect thing, and then you realize that none of its true and its only just a fantasy. You realize you’re on top of a sky scraper and there really isn’t another way down. But there is something liberating about falling off of what you’ve built up in your mind. And when you’re falling, it may take a while but halfway down you realize that you didn’t actually fall, you jumped, and there is a sort of peace that comes from making that decision and taking back control. Is that too dark a metaphor? It’s sort of macabre; I just think the imagery is perfect and painfully beautiful. It’s like a rebirth. Sure you may break into thousands of pieces when you hit the ground but the nice thing is that you get to pick them up and start over again, and fashion them into whatever person you want to be going forward.

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