Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I Got 99 Problems...

Ashley, how many problems can girls possibly have to do SO many different posts about it! You know what, I here you. I do. I know that several editions of these have gone out, but this is one I've been working on for a while now. The others were specific to certain things, this is more like a compilation of non-specific things, you follow me? Well, don't worry, NOTHING is repeated here, so you can keep reading without completely wasting your time... 

Girl Problems: I Got 99 Problems... Edition

1. Running out of tampons at 12 o'clock at night.
2. In rush putting on makeup=stabbing yourself in the eye with your eyeliner. Every time. And it only happens when you're in a hurry.
3. Thinking a boy is really cute and then being introduced to him as your friends new boyfriend.  
4. Getting paid less than guys do.
 5. Chocolate addiction.
6. Being a size in a pair of jeans at one store and a completely different size at another.
7.  The day you wear a flowey skirt is of course the day it's unexpectedly windy outside.
8. Getting your stiletto heal caught in a grate.
9. Wearing a pair of flats because you think they'd be comfy and it turns out they eat feet for breakfast.
10. When the wire in your bra pokes out the side and stabs you in the arm.
11. Major cramps during a huge test.
12. Bloating and unable to wear your favorite jeans on a first date.
13. Organizing your high heels by the following: "Dinner Heels" (i.e. sitting down heels), "Slightly less painful w/ a 4 hour shelf life", "Comfy-ish but not for dancing", and "flats". 
14. When you smear your eye liner and no one tells you..for who knows how long.
15. When you cry unexpectedly and you're not wearing waterproof mascara.
16. When you find out your friend and you have a crush on the same guy. (Dibs!)
17.  When you try on the most beautiful pair of heels you've ever seen and this is what happens.
18. People not taking you seriously because you're a girl.

19. Bridesmaids dress shopping.
20. Bridesmaid anything.
21. Knowing you're supposed to eat daintily like "a lady" but all you want to do is scarf it.
 22. Just getting your nails done and chipping/smudging them on the car door as you get in.
23. When the thing you ALWAYS do with your hair just won't work.
24. Starting your period on your hike down a white shorts.
25. Actually, just starting your period, ANYTIME.
 26. Trying to be excited when something great happens for your friends but also feeling bad because it feels like nothing ever happens for you. 
27. Slipping and ripping your pants  in front of the guy you like. (This may or may not have happened to me my junior year in high school...)
28. Bad Hair Days=Can I hide this under a head scarf or will someone notice?
29. Living your life through the fantasies of 1800's novels. (Janeites' unite!)
30. When something goes wrong with your hair at the salon.
31. You have to spend so much more money on products than boys do.
32. When they're out of your shade in foundation at Bare Minerals. 
33. Shaving. All the time.
34. When you realize you just finished off a yourself.
35. Needing a pedicure before you can wear those new sandals you got.
36. Being charged for things you don't need at the mechanics because you don't know any better.
37. When your friend dates your ex and your trying to be okay with it but you're not
38. Spilling something down your shirt on a date and being unable to get it out.
39. Ripping a nail off actually does hurt.
40. Putting your hair up into a ponytail gives you head/neck pain. 
41. Because nothing in real life can ever top this fictional moment. 
42. Some days are a complete waste of makeup.
43. When long thick lashes are wasted on boys.
44. When you go to a family/friends wedding alone.
45. When nothing can get the stain out of your favorite blouse.
46. Those days when nothing fits but sweatpants.
47. When you rub your eyes only to remember you're wearing makeup.
48.  When you wake up too late to wash your hair and you try to cover it up by rocking the "slicked back ponytail/bun", except you can totally tell it's just dirty.
49. Trying out "on-trend" blue shadow and just ending up looking like a hooker or Madonna from the 80's...and NOT in a good way.
 50. When your hormones make you ravenously hungry...for 7 straight days.
51. When you accidentally wash your favorite lipstick in your jeans.
52. When someone brings cupcakes into the office on your non-cheat day.
53. Being on your period when you're camping in the middle of summer without a proper bathroom.
54. Your metabolism is like 3 times slower than guys'....
55. When the only conversations you have with your crush are when he asks you what the date is.
56. When your ex's account pops up on your "suggested dates"  for your online dating profile.
57. Taking out your contacts when you realized you just put lotion on your hands.
58. Running out of deodorant when your rushing out of the house late for work.
59. When you can't help both love girlie music.
60. When you find the perfect pair of shoes for your *big event* and they don't have your size.
61. Dreaming about your favorite chocolate and then waking up and not being able to eat it.
62. The last time that you liked the way your bangs looked was in the salon when your stylist cut them.
63. When you don't wear makeup one day and everybody asks if you're sick or tired.
64. When you realize your arch enemy from high school is in your college class.
65. Universal truth: The only times you find something you want to buy (shoes/clothes) are the times you don't have money- when you DO have money, you can never find ANYTHING to spend it on!
66. Tampon commercials paint an unrealistic depiction of how fun it is to be around menstruating women.
67. When a child yelling "Grandma!!" runs up and throws their arms around your leg in Taco Bell and you're TWENTY-FREAKING-FIVE YEARS OLD!! And EVERYONE looks at you like EH?!? And all you want to do is scream I'M NOT THAT OLD!!!
 68. When MAC discontinues your favorite lipstick/eye shadow shade.
69. Laying in bed in the morning and calculating whether or not getting up to shower before work is actually worth it or not.
70. Readjusting your bra in public when you think no one is looking and then you realize someone is...
71. When no one understands or recognizes your Gilmore Girls references.
72. Or just every time you realize you'll never be as witty as Lorelai Gilmore...which is like every day
73. Because when your hormones are off the charts, you always feel like crap.
74. When you need an emergency girls night but no one can get together for at least a week.
75. Having to stop at a gas station at night by yourself.
76. Ripping a hole in your stockings in the middle of the day when you can't go home to change them.
 77. Sometimes all you can think about is the next time you get to eat.
78. Somehow every small noise when you're home alone is interpreted by your brain as a life-threatening situation.
79. Dealing with the fact that your favorite YA heroes like Four or Peeta or Jace will NEVER be real. :(
80. Bras are expensive.
81. Because of this.
82. When guys think that 8 or 9 girls out together is like a jackpot they must've won in another life and really don't understand the 'no boys allowed' rule so they just keep bugging you all night.
83. Growing apart from some of your best girlfriends.
84. Never feeling as cool in your glasses as Jessica Day looks. (New Girl)
85. When you're simultaneously texting your crush and your BFF (because OBVIOUSLY you're freaking out and you need to give them a play-by-play!) and you accidentally send the response intended for your BFF to your crush...
86. Also, just wishing you were as cool as Jennifer Lawrence and knowing it will never happen.
87. Always considering that the noise you just heard in the middle of the night was a serial killer...actually, that's the only thing you consider.
88. Your period cravings are always along the lines of Pizza and Pad Thai and never anything healthy...and they're near impossible to ignore.
89. When nothing in your life goes according to your plans.
90. Wanting to travel but not feeling safe traveling alone.
91. When you live alone and the only person you have to kill that terrifying spider is YOU.
92. You daydream about the likes of Mr Darcy, Captain Wentworth, Knightley and Tilney but to no like them no longer exist and constant realization breaks your heart over and over again.
93. When someone cops attitude with you while you're PMSing and it's all you can do not to backhand them.
94. When boys totally ruin a good thing by saying/doing something completely stupid.
95. Wearing a white bra doesn't seem to matter what color your shirt is, you're now proving a free show to everyone there.
96. When someone takes the last Scotchmallow from the box of Sees.
97. That awful moment when you find out who your real friends are.
98. People are still surprised that movies/t.v. shows with a female lead character (especially an action film) bring in lots of money. Feminism people, it happened. Get over your chauvinism already. 
99. You always have so many problems!! ;)

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